Hulu Rant

One of the most prominent websites in my life is Hulu.  Every time a season of The Bachelor is airing, Hulu breaks into my top ten most-visited sites.

Hulu is a great service, but lately I think they’re starting to take themselves a little too seriously.  They’ve got this paid version called Hulu Plus, and they push this on you every time you watch a show.  Frankly, if I wanted to pay to watch TV I probably wouldn’t be on Hulu in the first place.

And then there’s the ads.  You can now “create your own ad experience”, which is a totally sick concept.  Hulu wanting to make sure the ads they play are relevant to me is like asking somebody which way, exactly, they want to be screwed.  I don’t want to watch your ads and please don’t patronize me by asking for my feedback like you actually give a shit about me.

You also get to suggest how you’d like to have your pile of insidious shit served: all up front, in an extended two minute segment, or in normal bite-sized chunks of horseshit throughout the show.  I know, this decision is a difficult one, but don’t worry—Hulu gives you time to decide.  You can sit there for 15 or 20 seconds staring at the two radio buttons thinking about how you just want to watch the goddamn tv show and Hulu will sit there quietly and await your decision.  Finally, they’ll assume you want the poop fed to you in manageable bits, and serve you up your first spoonful.

From there it’s just like watching TV.  Your show streams in quite nicely, you can expand it to fullscreen, and every now and then there’s a commercial break.  It’s at the end of the show that Hulu really pisses me off.

The show’s over, the credits and catchy/emotional music is rolling, and you’re getting ready to do some dishes, and on comes another ad.

HOW FUCKING STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM?  DO YOU HONESTLY THINK I’M GOING TO SIT THERE LIKE A NEWBORN CHILD AND WATCH ANOTHER FUCKING COMMERCIAL AS IF THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING GOOD ON THE OTHER SIDE?

I’m no rocket scientist, but I know when my show’s good and done and I don’t need another commercial crammed down my throat right now.  But there’s no pause, stop, or mute.  The only way out is to close down your browser window, which they know is entirely possible but they’re betting that the average American is so fucking stupid and lazy that they’ll sit there and watch one last, final commercial because it just feels so damn natural.

Well fuck you Hulu, I will “x” out your window with no reservations, and I will never, ever, let you know if an ad is relevant to me or not.  But please continue to air The Bachelor because it’s coming up again in June and I can’t wait to see how 25 single guys respond to Ashley H’s weird hand gestures.