Despite the fact that I’m not crazy about Ashley H, I’m hooked on yet another season of The Bachelorette. I missed the first week, but here are my thoughts on week two.William looks like Prince William with a small crooked nose. He and Ashley pretend to get married and then have a dinner in the Belagio fountains. William tells her about how his dad died and that he's kept his watch set to the time his dad died ever since.
Ashley: “I’m looking for somebody serious, and because your Dad died, that means you’re serious, and that makes you everything I’ve ever wanted. Basically my requirements are that you are a guy and that you can have fun and that your dad died.”
Group Date:
Brooooos going to Vegas! Whooo! A big group of guys goes to Vegas and has a dance-off to see which crew gets to stay and dance with Ashley.
At this point, they haven’t shown us many of Ashley’s awkward hand gestures yet. Perhaps focus groups have revealed they really don’t like these gestures, and she's had some training. In any case, the guys are all drooling over her because they’re dressing her well, obviously have had her working out really hard, and she's a terrific dancer. But just below the surface I can see the awkwardness.
Bros being made to dance! No way! Out of their comfort zone! Nobody saw that coming. Because The Bachelor has never had dates that involve impromptu performances in front of thousands of people in Las Vegas.
After the date, Wes pulls Ashley aside:
Another sob story? I’m sorry, Wes. Your wife died. That’s terrible. Don’t use it to get the girl. It’s the first group date and you don’t know this person at all and now you have something to talk about that doesn’t really have anything to do with you or her or your compatibility. Doesn't anybody want to try having a real conversation? Oh man it’s so true you really do have to cherish every moment now. And the fact that he can open up and tell her that? Oh my god that’s so amazing. And the fact that she listened to him and was kind and understanding? Oh my god that means she’s so amazing. Because most people probably would just say shut the hell up don’t tell me about your dead wife. Right?
Bentley and Ashley get some one-on-one time:
Bentley tells America that he's a huge dick and isn't at all interested in Ashely H. Bentley, you suck. Your daughter probably sucks. You’ve somehow gotten your hooks into Ashley, you bastard, and you’d better be found out or give up the game soon. Was this part of your application process for the show? “Hi, I’m an asshole and I’ll be the bad guy for the season”. Your name sucks too. It’s not even a name, it’s a type of car. Everybody knows this. Your parents knew this. It’s not some exotic ethnic name or something, your parents just named you after a really nice, expensive car, because it’s probably the most expensive car they could think of.
And yes, maybe Ashley isn’t that spectacular but you’re being a huge dick about it and I hope it somehow bites you in the ass. Sadly, I have a feeling there are plenty of girls out there that secretly hope to meet you and hook up with you because they wanted to be treated like crap too by a tall puffy guy named after a car.
Ashley takes Mickey to Vegas:
Mickey opens up and tells Ashley that—Gasp!—his mom passed away about six years ago. Naturally, Ashley is smitten, because as we all know the number one thing she’s looking for in a man is a death in his family. And then they walk down to the beach, and, wouldn’t you know it, some band we’ve never heard of starts playing!! Could the night get any more perfect?
The Cocktail Party:
The highlight of the night was Jeff the mask stalking around the staircase like the Phantom of the Opera. He finally accosts Ashley on the staircase, gives her a super awkward hug and continues to build up his mask as this incredibly symbolic thing that’s about more than just everything being on the inside. Shocker: he had a near-death experience five years ago and since then everything’s been different. He’s happier now than he ever has been, and he says this with about as much joy as 35 year-old guy in a mask that has absolutely no chance with the girl he’s talking to and is still bitter over his ex wife, who “he decided to move on” from, but who most likely left him because he’s a complete weirdo.
He finally comes around to taking off the mask, or at least setting the grand stage for his unveiling, and after staring at Ashley for a good five seconds in silence he slowly reaches both hands for his mask and - he’s interrupted!! Some dude on the stairs cuts him off and he’s so wrapped up in himself and this incredibly symbolic moment that has now been ruined that he stands up in disgust and walks off, leaving the mask on.
How Ashley managed to find the strength to listen to the producers and keep the mask around for another week is beyond me, but she did and maybe, just maybe, we’ll see him unveiled next week.
Front runner: Mickey
Guaranteed to get sent home next week: Jeff the Mask
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