Why you always get the honey bear

Sis and I were doing a Monday evening shopping run at Safeway.  Nearing the end of our list, making for the dairy section, a Safeway employee caught our eye, and, smiling, asked if we’d found everything ok.  We had.

“We got the honey” said sis as our cart stopped beside him.

“Course you do!” he replied, “You got yo honey right here!” (referring to me).

We didn’t bother explaining, and laughed along.  He drew a little closer.

“Organic honey, huh?”  We looked down at our bottle of honey and back up at him.

“You know what you can do...”  We looked back with blank little smiles.

“Next time, get the honey bear.  You know, the honey that comes in the little plastic bear.”

We smiled and nodded, “uh huh”, “sure”.

“Well you get the honey bear and when the honey’s all gone, you take the little bear and you rinse it out real good.”

We continued to smile and nod “uh huh”, “Ok”

“And then you take some food coloring, ok?  And you put a few drops in there and you fill it up with water, and then you’ve got yourself a nice little colored bear and you decorate yo house with that.”

We both started laughing, he cut us off earnestly: “Yeah, so instead of throwing that away, you know, you’ve got yourself a real nice decoration, and you can put ‘em anywhere”.

Realizing that he was serious, we tried to reign in our laughter a bit.

“Yeah, you know you can put ‘em in your bathroom or whatever, and then you’ve got this nice little bear lookin’ back at you in the bathroom or wherever”.

Sis and I came back to earth a little, and I somehow managed a comment about recycling.  We assured him that we would give that a try next time, and, a bit dazed, we carried on with our shopping trip.

Below are instructions for this marvelous little craft

"Honey Bear" by Craig Stevens

You will need:

1 Honey Bear

1 Box of food coloring

A faucet

How to do it:

1. Use all of the honey in the bear.

2. Rinse it out real good.

3. Add a couple drops of food coloring (note: use more drops for a richer-colored bear.  Use less drops for a more translucent bear).

4. Replace the Bear’s hat and shake it up real good.

5. Find a place in your home to display your new decorative bear.

A Pessimist's Guide to Going Out

Part I: Preparation

You will expend a massive amount of energy tonight.  You will lose the very best, most important, restorative hours of sleep - 10pm-3am.  Keep this thought in the back of your mind.  Put some music on, and try to get excited.  Maybe “I got a feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas.  Pick out some clothes, check yourself out in the mirror, mess with your hair a little bit.  Practice your dance moves, think about all the awkward moments you’ve had in nightclubs.  Change your shirt.  Go get your newest, coolest shirt.  Put on your new shoes.  Think about how these clothes will be subjected to sweat, glass-covered floors, and flying goblets of beer.  Have a beer or something.  You’re drinking tonight, so best to get started.

Part II: Getting there

Arrange to meet some friends at a bar.  The bar should be too far to walk, and off of the main muni lines.  Set off walking to the muni station, noticing all the people already having a good time on a Saturday night.  Think about how you must look to them.  Do you look confident?  Does your hair look good?  Muni ticket is $2, connecting cab ride is $7.  Start counting.

Part III: The Bar

Push your way up to the bar, examine the beers on tap.  Try to make some small talk with the people around you.  The beer is $5, leave a dollar bill for the bartender if he brings you the drink promptly.  Leave a dollar bill if it takes 10 minutes and she gives you a dirty look.  Work your way back to an overcrowded table and drink your beer quickly so that you can repeat the comfortable and well-respected ritual of going to get another drink.

Part IV: The Club

Choose somewhere with a really long line.  Pull out your phone regularly while in line and check the time.  Think about how you could be sleeping right now, and what you could be accomplishing tomorrow morning.  Listen to the beat of the music from inside, and as you reach the front of the line, note the smell of booze and sweat seeping out from the club.  Show the man your ID, pay a $5 - $10 cover, get an ugly stamp on your wrist.  Once inside, immediately start bobbing your head to the music while the rest of your friends trickle in, then force your way to the bar.  Alternately lean inwards to get the attention of the bartender, and outwards to contribute something of value to the conversation.  Don’t look tired.  Buy the first round - maybe some tequila shots, for $26.  Leave a nice tip, smile and get excited about the tequila.  After the shot, pause for a moment before putting the lime in your mouth to prove your manliness.  Concur that it’s a good idea to go dance, and sidle through the crowd to the dance floor.  Pretend like you have more energy than you do, and smile at all the girls.  But just a little - too much and they’ll think you’re creepy.  Act confident, damnit.  If necessary, dance with your bros.  Find a spot near some girls so that they can see you, but don’t approach them directly.  Once you’ve exhausted your repertoire of moves, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom.  Wait in another line, try not to step on the glass or in the puddles of urine, look at yourself in the mirror and psyche yourself up for another foray.  Repeat until the club closes.

Part V: The End

Mill about a bit outside the club.  Make your way towards a nearby late-night pizza place and wait in line some more.  Your ears will most likely be ringing, so think about the long-term hearing damage you’ve probably just incurred.  Throw down $5 on a greasy slice of supreme pizza.  Smash the pizza and drink water from a tiny plastic cup.  Look for a cab.  Set up strategic positions, wait some more, check your cell phone again and estimate the exact time you’ll actually get to sleep.  Take the cab home in silence, review your night with some remorse.  Pay the $12 fare, tip the cabbie nicely.  Make your way into your room, look at the clock, the stains on your shoes and the stains on your shirt.  Get undressed and, if you have an ex, think about them.  As you go to sleep, imagine how lousy you’ll feel in the morning, and make drastic resolutions about the future.